


Stars turn to Moons

by Silveraro



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Female Sirius Black, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Trans Female Character, Trans Sirius Black, mtf sirius black, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:42:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24030754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveraro/pseuds/Silveraro
Summary: "You know, Padfoot didn't have a dick," said Remus, giggling, oblivious to the shocked face on one Sirius Orion Black."Well, that's going to be hard to explain away," she thought
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 79





	1. Prologue

Finally able to take the mandrake leaf out only a week ago, Sirius was the first able to transform into his animal form- a big, shaggy black dog the same colour as his hair, with the same grey eyes. He, of course, refused to change back, as the entire Marauders gang was round and he wanted to brag, letting James throw balls for him in the woods behind Potter Manor, played tug with Peter and had a tummy rub with Remus. It was only later when Sirius was eventfully convinced to change back to think of his dog name when Remus leaned over and whispered into Sirius’ ear “You know, Padfoot didn’t have a dick,” Sirius didn’t respond and didn’t engage with his friends for the rest of the night. \--- Sirius sat upside down, legs laid up on the wall, still silent. “You ok, mate?” Asked James, but his response was just a blink of large grey eyes and silence. Dead silence. James was starting to get worried, Sirius was never silent, at least not for this long. “Seriously, mate, we’re all worried about you,” Sirius wordlessly picked up a piece of parchment where the phrase ‘I’m thinking,’ was written in cursive red ink. James smirked “That’s dangerous,” Sirius matched James’ expression and turned the paper over ‘So’s this’ before chucking a leather boot at him. James chuckled as he left Sirius alone.


	2. Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' first year

If Sirius has been able to talk at birth, the healer who assisted Mrs Black in her birth would have been screamed at for screamed: “it’s a boy!” And at the celebrating family, so delighted at the thought of an heir. 

  
They didn’t deserve happiness at her expense.

She grew up quicker than most children, hands stroking silken gowns in his mother’s room, before being hurried along to be dressed in formal robes, being reprimanded for fidgeting. She was 2. Her brother was an infant. 

She knew killing curses before she could walk, her parent's bigotry before she could form her own opinion. She was taught she was a man before she was even born. The cheering was a formality; they knew she had a dick whilst in the womb. 

This was the reason for her confusion, how could she be a girl, her parents said she was a boy, her parents knew best. They told her what made a boy, he was strong, fearless. He had a penis. Sirius matched all three of these points. So why didn’t she feel like a boy? Then she found out why

“Did you hear about Abigail Diggory?” One servant said to the other “She’s delusional, wants to be a man, says to call her Amos. Even taking potions to give herself a dick. She says she’s  _ transgender _ . More like delusional.”  
There was the word. Little Sirius Orion Black, at 5 years old, finally stopped feeling alone. There were others like her

“ _ Transgender, Transgender, Transgender,” _ the word echoed around her head. 

* * *

She’d squashed her feelings deep down, even now. She tried not to cry when her voice even slightly cracked, took her father’s praise

“You're becoming a real man, Sirius.” 

Choked back a cry every time Kreacher, almost joyfully, called her Master Sirius. Because that was what was expected. Because of course the world couldn’t give Sirius a break, she had an early puberty. 

And at 11 years of age, Sirius was rushed into the Hogwarts Express after a warning that if she didn’t get Slytherin, she “would be so battered that you won’t be able to move for a year,” whilst other parents hugged their children and whispered good luck, keeping their hopes about their children’s future sortings to themselves, Sirius was on the train, all by herself. Alone. Feeling like age was four again, the only person trapped in their own body

“I am a girl, I am a girl, I am a girl,” she chanted under her breathe, her long time coping mechanism. “I am a gi-,” 

She was interrupted by a girl opening the door. It had a window, but Sirius was often invisible with the dark colours of her hair and clothes, even if her skin would almost glow in the dark with how pale it was.

“I’m Lily. Who are you?” The girl asked in a squeaky, shocked voice, but sounded like she was trying to not sound as shocked as she was

“Sirius.” She spat out, trying not to sound rude. “what house are you aiming for?” 

“From Hogwarts, a History, I feel like I’d fit in well in Ravenclaw, but I don’t really know where I’d go. How about you.”

“Slytherin,” Sirius muttered, looking at the floor, not wanting to see the girl run. “It’s where all Blacks go,” she looked up, Lily, to her astonishment, was still there. 

“You don’t sound like you’d be happy there, Sirius,” Sirius said nothing back, the air felt thick with tension, silence flooded the cabin. 

“I… I like your hair,” Lily stuttered out. Sirius flushed, she liked it too, it sat perfectly at her shoulders and so soft and floaty. From behind, people weren’t tricked into calling her a boy. She ran her hands through it, feeling it’s thick silkiness. 

“I like yours too,” she returned, not because she felt obligated too but because the dark auburn waves were almost as stunning as his, maybe on his level even. 

“I love a boy in touch with his feminine side.” Lily said it innocently enough but something broke inside Sirius. 

“ **You see!”** Said the voice  **“your not a girl, you’ll never be a real girl,”**

The voice .It was deep, deep inside her head. She’d been able to keep it quiet for a while, not giving it anything but now it was back for vengeance.

**“A man, no, wait, not even that, a boy. A sickly, delusional boy. Nanny was right, you are delusional.”** Sirius wished she could plug her ears too keep the voice out but it wouldn’t work. She wanted it gone!

“T-thanks,” She choked out, trying to stop the tears from welling up in her eyes, trying to ignore the voice. 

**“Not even a manly man. Pathetic. Look at him crying like a baby,”**

_ “Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl,”  _ her own thoughts replied. She appreciated the effort, but the voice just became louder.

**“Pathetic. Little. Baby. BOY,”**

Sirius felt a lone tear slide down his cheek. 

**“Boys don’t cry,”**

_ “Well, I’m not a boy,” _

Lily, unaware of Sirius’ inner struggle, didn’t understand what was going on. She got up, Sirius knew she would leave, why would anyone stay with her and her voice. A complete person like Lily, who had it all together, didn’t need a person made of puzzle pieces that didn’t properly fit, taken from different boxes by a young child with no understanding of anything. 

“But, to her amazement, Lily stayed, moving next to her, an almost equally pale hand brushed her tears, tears that had multiplied into oblivion. It was an almost impossible struggle, as tear after tear, they kept on coming. 

Sirius Orion Black learned one thing that day (which is less than you would expect from going to school), Lily Evans would always be there for her, even though she had no understanding on what was going on inside your head. 

* * *

James Potter swaggered in later, removed from the carriage he was originally in for annoying everyone there. 

“Hello beautiful,” he said. Sirius blushed slightly.

**“He’s clearly talking to Lily. After all, who could love a delusional ass like you?”**

“Piss of, don’t you see were in the middle of something,” Lily glaired, Sirius just realising she was still crying, but not as heavy. It was faint tears, feminine tears. The voice was finally silent, it had nothing to add. She thoughts were cheering her on. The deep, loud voice was gone, even if it was temporary. 

“Bit rude, I’m James Potter. Who are you?”

“Lily Evans,” She grumbled “And that’s Sirius. Sirius Black,”

James glared at Sirius.

“Black? Like the evil all Slytherin family?”

“The very same your mother came from, Potter?” She retorted, trying to sound stronger than she felt  A Black is stronger than most. A Black stands his ground and hides his feelings, ” She could practically hear her father scream at her. James looked at her. 

“She was one of the good ones. Wanted to escape.”

“Who’s to say I don’t,” she muttered, pulling on her sleeve. It was clear James heard him. 

“Truce. Will last until you get sorted into the snake house. Even my mother didn’t escape that fate,” he held out a hand. She took it. 

_ “Who’s to say I will be a Slytherin,”  _ she wondered in her head, ignoring her father's warning. She was tired of pretending for him 

* * *

Hello Miss Black

_ Hello Mr Hat _

A polite Black? Never seen one of them?

_ I’m not a normal Black _

Indeed Miss Black, never seen one of you, a Gryffindor Black

_ Wait…. what…. _

GRYFFINDOR!

* * *

Her father sent her a howler the very next day. She was lucky he didn’t come to collect her. She was safe in the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

“Hey Sirius,” said James, plonking himself on her bed, Sirius quickly closing her book, not wanting the boy to see her romance novel slotted between the pages of the random book.

“Potter.” She scowled. Doesn’t he know how shit she felt? In the boys dormitory that faintly smelled of cologne and sweat.  **_He clearly doesn’t! No one else knows anything_ ** . She couldn’t tell what voice it was. 

“Common Sirius, lets be mates.”  _ Silence. _

“What are you reading?” he said, changing the subject.  _ Silence _ . James looked at the fake cover.

“How to prank? You like pranks? Me too!” Sirius did, her mother got her into pranks with pranking the house elves.

“Yeah…”

“Me too!” said James, excitedly, clearly happy to finally have a reaction from the child he was bugging and couldn’t learn to leave. “Who do you prank? I wouldn’t think the House of Black would be into pranking,’

“My mother pranks the house elves. She’s killed a few of them.”

“Have you killed one?”  _ Silence _ . James was able to recognise the awkwardness and changed the subject. 

“Would you like to prank someone?”  _ Silence _ . But she did smile and nodded.

A life long friendship began as the pair sniggered watching a random Slytherin get soaked by a water bucket.

“I think we’re going to be great friends, James.”

* * *

Sirius was back to her book, silver eyes skimming down the words. Liliannia and Thomas had just kissed. She was happy; their relationship had been a rocky one, what with Liliannia’s rocky parent relationship when a new boy walked into the dorm. He was tall, way taller than her tiny frame (being 4 ft 11 sucked!) and he looked 5ft 5 with tousled brown hair and scars along his arm. Most were jagged but some were straight, deliberate. He didn’t seem to have noticed Sirius.

_ “Blacks blend in until they want to be seen. That’s why we’re Blacks,”  _

“Cough, cough,” she shouted, not even bothering to make it sound like she was actually sneezing. The boy jumped, turning to see Sirius, unbrushed curly hair held back with a green headband (definitely not stolen from Lily), a slight scowl and a wand pointed right at him, her arm shaking slightly, wobbling as she stood on the mattress. They stood in silence for a moment

“Hi,’ said the boy, breaking the awkward silence. Sirius didn’t respond with a greeting but instead stepped (no, she did not jump!) of the bed and marched towards him, wand held out in front of her until she had it at his chin.

“Who are you and why are you in my dormitory,’ She spat out, slanting delicate eyebrows in an almost threatening way. He put his arms up in surrender. 

“I.. I’m Remus. Remus Lupin. I was sick during the sorting. Who are you? Please put your wand in your pocket.” Sirius lowered her wand but didn’t pocket it.

“Sirius,” she grunted, hostile.

“Like the star?’ Silence.

Sirius, now not overcome with both fear and anger, saw the boy. His scars weren’t restricted to his arms, but the ones on his face appeared to be scars caused by an actual injury caused by someone else. A slash, deep, an irritated red, jutted through like cracks in the soil after a drought. But if you followed the scars, you would reach his eyes, golden, glistening, gleaming. 

“Hey, Sirius. Earth to the dog star?’ said Reus, clicking his fingers in her face.

“Ye..yeah, like the star,” 

“Sirius who…”

“Black,” she spat. 

“Not a fan of the family?”

“You don’t know the half of it, Remus”

* * *

The two lions sat down on Sirius’ bed. 

“My dad’s a dick too. I know it’s not the same as you but I know how you feel.”

“Dickhead family handshake?” she asked, holding her pale hand out. 

* * *

She had so many baby name books now, kept hidden, shrunk to keyring size, folded between clothes, illusioned to school books. A name wasn’t the most pressing issue she had right now, but she wanted one, needed one, craved one.

But every name was wrong. 

Repeats of the same name over and over and over. Sarah. Ava. Eleanor, Rose. 

But she was a Black, most ancient and noble. She was not a Muggle. And did not want a Muggle name. 

She snapped the book shut, shrunk it, and chucked it in the fire. 

She didn’t need a name. Not yet.

* * *

Remus was gone again. He was gone every month. Like clockwork, like James ‘forgetting to give Sirius …’ every time she hung out with Lily. Like the moon phasing through cycles. 

He always returned with more scratches, bruised, cuts. 

He always had a different excuse. Mum was sick. Important family gatherings that he couldn’t miss. Dad was sick. Uncle was sick. Someone was sick. At some point he would probably leave because ‘snowball the goldfish at the local aquarium has a mild cold’. 

If asked about his injuries, he “was clumsy,” Despite Sirius, putting her Black superpowers to good use, stalking for three weekends and she never saw him trip once- it was almost like he was floating over the ground. 

It didn’t take a truth potion to figure out he was lying. But why?

* * *

Sirius Black sat on the train. Everyone else had left but she was willing the train to move anywhere, Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, Azkaban, anywhere. Sighing in defeat, she stood up, grabbed her trunk and went to see her parents. 

There they stood, among the sea of happy parents, siblings, grandparents, with a false neutral expression, mother tapping her foot in irritation. Fathers eyebrows slanted slightly. Reggy looked like everyone else, wide smile the second he spotted her, practically vibrating in excitement. If mother wasn’t holding him back, Sirius was sure he’d be running over to hug her. 

Merlin, she loved her brother!

**He wouldn’t love you if he knew what a freak you are.**

She shuddered, hugging Reggie harder. 


	3. First Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius' summer ft letters. Mostly letters. The Black family don't talk very much

Sirius Black ran her fingers through her shoulder-length curly black hair nervously. Father had requested her presence when she was “presentable” and she knew what that meant. Long pale fingers reached for the Slytherin Green silk robes, the crisp white shirt and black dress trousers. Almost on autopilot, she pulled off her school robe and jumper, folding them lovingly as she placed them in a box that she hid under her bed skirt. The shirt was next, Sirius ran her fingers along her flat as a board chest with disgust- girls - normal, real girls the voice reminded her- had started to develop there. Pulling on the smart shirt and robes almost didn’t suck as she was at least able to hide her body. The trousers. Dress shoes, laced up, hair done in a neat bun at the back of her head. She looked in the mirror and grimaced at the boy who stared back. The voice was laughing.

“Master Black, your presence is requested by Sir,” Kreacher said, unable to keep the joy from his voice at her wince. He didn’t know what caused it but he liked it. 

She picked herself back up, dusting off non-existent dust off her trousers, one last glance at the boy she-he had to be during this. 

The manors winding Corridors left plenty of time for Sirius’ mind to wander, the low thump of her dress shoes was the only noise she could hear other than the distant sound of children laughing. She reached up to the knocker because although her presence had been requested, children always had to knock. 

“Enter,” commanded father. Sirius had to command her hands to open the big heavy door, her feet to move- left, right, left, right. 

* * *

“Sirius, my boy, my son, how was Hogwarts?” said father, he gestured her to the opposite black chair and was awfully and uncharacteristically happy about being in her presence. She had to tread carefully here. Sinking into the hard leather chair, she reached for the gin glass with poorly hidden shaking hands. 

“Blacks always have a respectable drink, Sirius,” she remembered her father reciting it to her at every rare and unpleasant meeting the two had had during her childhood. 

She steadied herself, knowing if she spill the drink she’d be done. She was already in the deep end, knowing her father would keep the threat before she left, to make her “so battered that you won’t be able to move for a year.” She sipped her drink, looking father directly in his cold dead grey eyes, identical in colour to her own but so dull and dead, from a lifetime of oppressing the spark to live the life of aristocrat dread. 

The bitter taste assaulted her taste buds as she sipped it delicately, happy to see the glass was empty as she returned it to the small table as she politely waited for father to be finished. With a sigh, he put down his glass, Kreacher reaching over to clean up the table. 

“Now, Sirius,” Father said with a sigh “what did I tell you before you left for Hogwarts?”

“To get into Slytherin,”

“And what did you do,”

“Not get into Slytherin. But, Father, the hat didn-”

“You should have been thinking of family, Sirius, so the hat would put you in Slytherin the second it touched your head. Did you do that, Sirius?”

“N-no father,” she said defeated. 

“Come here, dear boy, bend over. For not lying I’ll allow you to keep your trousers on. 200 Sirius,” he said, picking up his cane. 

* * *

She was just more determined than ever.

* * *

_ Hi Sirius _

_ It's James! How's your summer in your big empty home.  _

_ I mean I also have a big home but I know from my mother how much your house sucks.  _

_ I’ve been playing quidditch with my cousin Felix and Hadrian but they’re not nearly as fun as you and the other boys.  _

_ Can you believe we get to play Quidditch next year? We’ll be second years. Will you be trying out? I will be, for a Chaser. That's what I play now, with my family. Felix is a seeker, Hadrian is also a chaser, dad and uncle Micheal are beaters, grandpas a chaser too and mums a keeper. What have you been doing with your family?  _

_ From James Potter _

* * *

Sirius placed the parchment down on her desk, reaching out to stroke Periwinkles’ soft feathers. 

“You wait here, I’ll reply to him,”

_ James _

_ I’ve not been doing much really homework mostly, hiding in my ro- _

“No, Sirius, don’t tell him how sad your existence is,” she muttered, screwing it up and chucking it over her shoulder

_ Hi Jami- _

_ Pot- _

For merlin, just write a letter. 

* * *

_ James _

_ My holidays haven’t been anywhere near as exciting as yours as I don’t really see all my family all that often so it's just been me and Reggie. Father has been busy in the Ministry and Mother is being, well, Mother. Mostly having her friends over for tea. I think she's trying to set me up with Anna Greengrass’ daughter, Elizabeth. You know, in 4th year? _

_ Me and Reggie have mostly been playing Wizard Chess together- he’s winning 5 to 2 but he’s also been asking about Hogwarts. What the teachers are like, the classes, what the libraries like (as if I know! I’ve never been within 5 metres of that place).  _

_ Hope you are well _

_ Sirius _

* * *

She folded the paper, placed it in an envelope, and handed it to James owl Peri, who flew off, then picked up the Black Book of Baby Names- otherwise known as the family tree. But god the Blacks were terrible at naming people. 

She didn’t need a name yet, not when she’d never get called it anyway. 

* * *

_ Hi Remus _

_ Just thought I’d check in on you. How's your holiday going? Anywhere close to running out of books? _

_ Sirius _

* * *

_ Hi Siri _

_ How's my best bro? I’m glad your holidays are going well. Say hi to Reg for me.   
_ _ My cousin Felix fell off his broom so there's no more Quidditch Even though Uncle Mike is a healer so it's not that much of a big deal! So now I have to do my homework, ugh.  _ _ How's your homework going? I bet you haven’t done it yet, too busy being the defiant son of the Black household. Sliding down bannisters and spitting on your dearest mother's face. _

_ James Potter _

* * *

_ Why hello James _

_ I’m out here being super rebellious and also doing all my homework- its called time management. Especially as I don’t have you to distract me from it.  
_ _ Reggie says hi back, give my condolences to Felix _

_ By the way, has Remus been replying to you? Only he's been completely ignoring me for a week and I’m getting worried _

_ Sirius _

* * *

_ Hi Pete _

_ I’m just checking up on you. How is your mother, still in the hospital? _

_ If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m right here _

_ Siri _

* * *

_ Hi Remus  _

_ Are you doing ok? Only you haven’t responded to my last letter from last week? I don’t doubt you read it, I mean, you, not reading something.  _

_ Sending love _

_ Siri _

* * *

_ Black Dog _

_ Felix is completely fine now, and we're able to play again, which is good. Pete has come to stay with me because he got bored being looked after by his grandfather. Mum has asked if you would like to stay too, as she knows what the Black household is like with, well, company. Very lacking. She also says Reg is welcome to stay too, as your family as her great-nephews. How weird is that! _

_ Pete isn’t doing too well though. His mum is awake but he says she isn’t like herself anymore. She stares a lot into nothing but the healers say that, with time, she’ll recover. I hope so. He isn’t writing well so he is currently dictating this to me. He says hi as well.  _

_ Remus has been replying to me, but only on topics related to homework help. He doesn’t seem to want to give up the details of his personal life. I can respect that.  _

_ Jamie and Pete _

* * *

_ Remus _

_ I hope you’re ok _

_ Black _

* * *

_ Potty Potter and Petty  _

_ Sorry to hear about your mother Pete, I send her some flowers. I was just wondering if you guys would want to get the train with me. If so, send me the train carriage you would like. I’m trying to avoid my family on the train _

_ Black _

* * *

_ RJ Lupin _

_ 12 Willow Way _

_ Saint Hilary _

_ Cowbridge _

_ CF71 7DQ _

_ Wales _

_ From the desk of Sirius Orion Black _

_ 12 Grimmauld Place _

_ London _

_ N1C 4AX _

_ England _

_ I regret to inform you that Sirius Orion Black of the House is rather concerned about you. Your quick reply is requested to ease this.  _

_ The info requested has been sent in the previous letters but in case they have gotten lost, I will summarise below  _

_ -How are your holidays going _

_ -have you run out of reading material _

_ I would also like to know if you would like to sit on the train with me and in what carriage. I need to know this so I can attempt to avoid my family on the ride _

_ Yours _

_ Sirius Orion Black _

With a sign, she reread the letter to make sure it was perfect, sealed it up, wrote Remus’ address on the envelope in green swirly letters and handed it to Sal the owl. Summer would be over soon, next week in fact, and, unlike most children her age, she was excited. Her new uniform, books and supplies had already been delivered and packed. She was all prepared, except for one letter

  
  


_ From the desk of Sirius Orion Black _

_ 12 Grimmauld Place _

_ London _

_ N1C 4AX _

_ England _

_ Minerva McGonagall _

_ McGonagall Hall _

_ Birch Court _

_ Inverness _

_ IV2 7PW _

_ Scotland _

_ Dear Professor McGonagall _

_ I don’t know if I am writing to the correct person for the issue, especially as you told us to only use your address for help with the summer homework but I am asking you as I don’t think I will be able to tell you this in person, _

_ I am transgender.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to learn how to write a formal letter. Also, other than the house names (and Remus' street) the address' are all real towns and postcodes. Why? Procrastination


End file.
